


Normandy Communication Network.

by FazedMuttley



Series: Mercenary Effect. [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-08-27 19:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8414326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FazedMuttley/pseuds/FazedMuttley
Summary: Anderson and EDI open a Communication Network for Team Normandy. Designed for Communcation when the crew is not in direct contact. However that is not what it is used for.Features my world and characters from Mercenary Effect.





	1. NCN

**Author's Note:**

> Don't you just love Writters Block! This happened after recalling Chatroom fics existed and struggling with the workings of the next Mercenary Effect Chapter.

Running Security Protocol:

Scanned: 149874798/149874798 Items.

Running Secondary Diagnostic:

Systems Operating At Peak Efficiency.

Checking Primary Core: No Threats Found

Connecting to Secure Network:

Secure Link Established, **SR-2-X-01** , Please enter security code:

***************

Confirmed: Access Granted, Running Designated Operation:

Setting up **[Normandy Communication Network]**...

 **[Enhanced Defence Intelligence]** added to **Normandy Communication Network**.

 **[Enhanced Defence Intelligence]** renamed **[EDI]**.

 **[EDI]** added **[D.Anderson]** , **[K.Alenko]** , **[A.Williams]** , **[K.Chakwas]** , **[J.Shepard]** , **[J.Moreau]** , **[T.Zorah]** , **[G.Vakarian]** , **[U.Wrex], [J.Vega]** and **[S.Traynor]** to **Normandy Communication Network**.

 **[EDI]** signing in **[All Users]**.

 

 **Normandy Communication Network** Online...

 

 **[EDI]:** Welcome to the Normandy Communication Network. Please use responsibly.

 **[J.Moreau]:** Cool! A Chatroom, First to Post Yes!

 **[EDI]:** Technically Mr Moreau, I was the first to post.

 **[K.Alenko]:** Not even a minute and Jokers already arguing with the AI.

 **[D.Anderson]:** This is not what I imagined this would be used for....

 **[J.Shepard]:** Aww, Dad not happy?

 **[A.Williams]:** Ha! Dad.

 **[D.Anderson]:** I regret this already...

 

 **[J.Moreau]**  renamed **[Joker].**

**[Joker]:** Now we rolling!

 **[J.Shepard]:** We are*

 **[Joker]:** Seriously Shep...

 **[J.Shepard]:** ^_~

 **[Joker]:** ....

 **[K.Alenko]:** So what was this made for? I’m guessing not to troll Anderson and Shepard?

 **[EDI]:** The Normandy Communication Network is designed for use on personal Omni-Tools. Allowing the Normandy Crew to communicate during missions and in other circumstances and follows the same rules and parameters of previously used Earth Text communication from the Twenty-First Century.

 **[Joker]:** So a chatroom then? Awesome!!!

 **[D.Anderson]:** A Communication Network to allow intermittent contact while on missions or not aboard the Normandy. Not for general socializing.

 **[J.Shepard]:** You and I both know that it will not be used for that... Dad.

**[D.Anderson]: Why, are you calling me Dad?**

**[Joker]:** Oooooh! Bold text! Dads getting mad!

 **[J.Shepard]:** Because, you are like a parent checking their kids datapad, so Dad.

 **[J.Shepard]** renamed **[Grammar_Warrior].**

 **[Grammar_Warrior]:** Joker...

 **[D.Anderson]** renamed **[AnderDad].**

 **[AnderDad]:** EDI can you sort this out?

 **[EDI]:** Commencing Fixes.

 

 **[EDI]** revoked **[Joker] Renaming Privileges** for **2.5 Days**.

 **[Grammar Warrior]** renamed **[J.Shepard].**

**[EDI]:** Changes complete.

 **[AnderDad]:** EDI?

 **[EDI]:** I find the name humorous.

 **[Joker]:** How does that work!!! Two days???

 **[EDI]:** Two point Five Mr Moreau. A Unit of text, for example: one letter. You used Twenty Three. If we value each Unit at Six hours we get a conclusion of Two point One Eight Days. Rounded up to the nearest Quarter Unit we get Two point Three Zero or more so Two Point Five. Hence the time limit of your ban Mr Moreau.

 **[J.Shepard]:** That is brilliant! HaHa!

 **[AnderDad]:** This was a bad idea.

 

 **[J.Shepard]** renamed **[Skipper].**

 **[AnderDad]** renamed **[Capt. A].**

 **[A.Williams]** renamed **[Ash].**

**[Ash]:** There problem solved.

 **[Ash]** signed out.

 

 **[Skipper]:** Well as fun as this is. I think it is time for me to turn in.

 

 **[Skipper]** signed out.

 

 **[Capt. A]:** Hopefully this chat will be used more professionally in the future...

 

 **[Capt. A]** signed out.

 

 

 **[Joker]:** Well this was fun! Oh well time to set up night mode.

 **[K.Alenko]:** This will be fun to watch the wars you cause Joker.

 **[Joker]:** Wait till Shep gets involved!

 **[Joker]** signed out.

 **[K.Alenko]** signed out.

 


	2. Weapons Testing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus + Guns = Fun Times.

**Normandy Communication Network** Online...

 

 **[Automated Message]:** Welcome to the Normandy Communication Network. Please use responsibly.

 

 **[Ash]** signed in.

 

 **[Ash]:** Skipper? Garrus is raging in the firing range again!!!

 

 **[Skipper]** signed in.

 

 **[Skipper]:** On my way.

 

 **[G.Vakarian]** signed in.

 **[G.Vakarian]** renamed **[Garrus]**

**[Garrus]:** Really Ash! You didn’t need to get Shepard down here.

 **[Ash]:** Garrus I’m stood right here, you can talk to me.

 **[Garrus]:** Ha! Says the one typing a response.

 **[Ash]:** ...

 

 **[Skipper]** went idle.

 

 **[Garrus]:** That’s a big rifle.

 **[Ash]:** Garrus is making mushy eyes at Skippers gun!

 

 **[U.Wrex]** signed in.

 **[U.Wrex]** renamed **[UrdnotKing].**

 

 **[UrdnotKing]:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

 **[Skipper]** is no longer idle.

 

 **[Skipper]:** It really is something, I don’t think I have ever seen a Turian drool.

 **[Garrus]:** What?? Its a fine piece.

 

 **[Joker]** signed in.

 

 **[Joker]:** Garrus eyeing Sheps ass? ^_~

 **[Garrus]:** Scroll up Joker.

 **[EDI]:** They are referring to the gun Mr Moreau.

 **[Joker]:** I know, and we all know Garrus has a crush on Shep!

 **[Skipper]:** I didn’t... O.O

 **[Garrus]:** Joker, please note. **I WILL KILL YOU!**

 **[Joker]:** Noted, ha! hey wait how come it didn’t say EDI came online.

 **[EDI]:** I am always online. I am in control of the notifications and the channel in general.

**[Garrus]: HOW DID YOU DO THAT!!!**

**[Ash]:** Garrus just saw Skipper hit three targets with her eyes closed, I think it went from crush to love!

 **[UrdnotKing]:** This I gotta see

 

 **[K.Alenko]** signed in.

 **[K.Alenko]** renamed **[AlenKaidan].**

 

 **[AlenKaidan]:** Okay that’s my name changed. Where is everybody? Mess is empty.

 **[EDI]:** Shepard, Williams and Vakarian are in the Range. Wrex is currently on his way there. Joker is on the bridge.

 **[Joker]:** I think he knew where I was EDI...

 **[EDI]:** Of course Mr Moreau. I simply answered the question.

 **[Joker]:** Why do you call me that? Everyone calls me Joker EXCEPT YOU!

 **[Joker]** renamed **[Mr Moreau].**

 **[Mr Moreau]:** Seriously, stupid AI! Why does it have to be on my ship...

 **[Skipper]:** Your Ship? The Normandy is Andersons.

 

 **[Capt. A]** signed in.

 

 **[Capt. A]:** This is really not what this chat is for.

 **[Mr Moreau]:** Sorry Dad.

 **[Capt. A]:** Joker call me Dad once more and I’ll find a new pilot.

 **[Mr Moreau]:** Sorry, Captain Dad*

 

 **[Capt. A]** renamed **[CaptAnders]**

 

 **[Skipper]:** Sorry the A was bugging me, Hey Garrus want to try Penelope?

 **[Garrus]:** YES!

 **[CaptAnders]:** This is **NOT** what this was designed for, but I give up, EDI please make sure to keep this secure and make sure they don’t do anything stupid!

 

 **[CaptAnders]** signed out.

 

 **[Ash]:** I think Garrus just had an orgasm, he was shaking and everything after that shot.

 **[Skipper]:** It was rather disturbing.

 **[Garrus]:** Shepard, I want your rifle.

 **[Skipper]:** No, Penelope is mine.

 **[Garrus]:** But Shepard I think she likes me.

 **[Ash]:** Now he’s caressing the rifle, and Skipper is face-palming and sighing.

 **[Skipper]:** Fine, I will make a new one.

 **[Ash]:** Seriously... why are we typing everything that’s happening?

 **[Garrus]:** You made it?

 **[Skipper]:** Yes, and I am stood next to you, you can just talk to me.

 **[Ash]:** I agree, you could just talk to us...

 **[Garrus]:** But in text form it is forever captured as the moment I inherited Penelope.

 **[EDI]:** Chat logs are saved to Archive and can be referred to at a later date.

 **[Skipper]:** Well seems I need to make a new rifle. Ash can I borrow your station?

 **[Ash]:** Sure.

 **[Skipper]:** Great.

 

 **[Skipper]** signed out.

 **[UrdnotKing]** went idle.

 **[Ash]** signed out.

 **[Garrus]** signed out.

 **[UrdnotKing]** is no longer idle.

 

 **[UrdnotKing]:** They all left!

 **[Mr Moreau]:** I’m still here.

 

 **[Mr Moreau]** renamed **[Loner].**

 

 **[UrdnotKing]:** Ha!

 

 **[UrdnotKing]** signed out.

 

 **[Loner]:** **REALLY!!!** EDI can you fix it?

 **[EDI]:** What is the magic word Mr Moreau?

 **[Loner]:** Please can you fix my name EDI?

 

 **[Loner]** renamed **[Joker].**

 

 **[Joker]:** Finally a use for you.

 

 **[Joker]** signed out.

 **[Joker]** renamed **[SecondRatePilot].**

 **[SecondRatePilot]** signed in.

 

 **[SecondRatePilot]:** Not funny EDI.

 **[EDI]:** I find it humorous.

 

 **[EDI]** saved chat logs to **Archive**.

 **[SecondRatePilot]** signed out.

 **[SecondRatePilot]** renamed **[Joker].**

 


	3. Minor Flame War.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker and Shepard start a fire.

**Normandy Communication Network** Online...

 

 **[Automated Message]:** Welcome to the Normandy Communication Network. Please use responsibly.

 

 **[Skipper]** signed in.

 **[Skipper]** added **[Liara]**

**[Liara]:** Oh what is this?

 **[Skipper]:** It’s supposed to be a communication channel for intermittent contact, but well, try telling that to the kids. ^_^

 **[Liara]:** Kids?

 **[Skipper]:** Just wait for it.

 

 **[Garrus]** signed in.

 

 **[Garrus]:** Liara!

 **[Liara]:** Hello Garrus. Did you manage to fix your rifle?

 **[Skipper]:** No Liara! Don’t set him off.

 **[Garrus]:** Shepard that hurts.

 **[Skipper]:** Garrus, you are obsessed with weapons.

 

 **[AlenKaidan]** signed in.

 

 **[AlenKaidan]:** One. Word.

 

 **[Ash]** signed in.

 

 **[Ash]:** Calibrations.

 **[Garrus]:** It is the best way to get the most from your weapon.

 **[Skipper]:** That is one way to put it. Sadly it doesn’t apply to you, the word you are looking for is obsessed!

 **[Garrus]:** At least I won’t miss.

 **[Skipper]:** Seriously?

 **[Garrus]:** What is that supposed to mean?

 **[Skipper]:** You shot an unmoving target an inch below the kill shot. In training.

 **[Garrus]:** Perhaps you should show me again then?

 

 **[Joker]** signed in.

 

 **[Joker]:** Ohhhhh! A Date.

**[Garrus]: No!**

**[Skipper]:** Joker... O.O

 **[Liara]:** Am I missing something?

 **[Liara]:** Also, what is ‘O.O’?

 **[Skipper]:** It’s a shocked face, and No, Joker is being an idiot.

 **[Joker]:** No, you said he shot an inch below, the ‘kill shot’ in ‘training’.

**[Skipper]** signed out.

 

 **[Ash]:** That was too far Joker!

 **[Liara]:** I am confused.

 **[EDI]:** Mr Moreau is being rude Doctor T’Soni.

 **[Ash]:** He implied that Skipper and Garrus did the naughty.

 **[Liara]:** Ah. Shepard did not like that?

 **[EDI]:** Shepard has a disposition towards those of the same gender, or those who would meet similar criteria.

 **[Ash]:** So now Joker has managed to upset Skipper, she hates it when its practically thrown in her face. Isn’t that right Joker!

 **[Joker]:** Alright! I get it, Joker is bad.

 **[Ash]:** Joker just apologise.

 **[Joker]:** Yes, Mom.

 **[Ash]:** You are such a big baby.

 **[Garrus]:** To think we went from rifles to love.

 **[AlenKaidan]:** To you Garrus that’s the same thing.

 **[Ash]:** Burned!

 **[Ash]:** Oh God...

 **[Liara]:** Did Mr Moreau actually just do that?

 

 **[Skipper]** signed in.

 

 **[Skipper]:** Yes Liara, he did.

 **[Joker]:** Mom said I should apologise.

**[Skipper]: NOT A SHIPWIDE BROADCAST SAYING EXACTLY HOW YOU OFFENDED ME! ARRGH!**

**[Skipper]:** You know what never mind, Welcome to the chat Liara.

 

 **[Skipper]** signed out.

 

 **[AlenKaidan]:** She just punched her locker, its dented.

 **[Ash]:** Ouch, That’s got to hurt.

 **[AlenKaidan]:** I feel sorry for the locker.

 

 **[K.Chakwas]** signed in.

 **[K.Chakwas]** renamed **[Doc].**

**[Doc]:** Shepard, get to the medbay for that hand now.

 **[Doc]:** Alenko, why change my name?

 **[AlenKaidan]:** Doc suits you.

 **[AlenKaidan]:** Sheps walking through now.

 **[Liara]:** Do you need help Karin?

 **[Doc]:** No Liara, it should be fine, get some rest. I suggest the rest of you go to sleep also, as I have one angry Commander to deal with.

 

 **[Doc]** signed out.

 **[Ash]** signed out.

**[Liara]:** Can we help Shepard?

 **[AlenKaidan]:** Right now I bet all she wants is to kill Joker.

 **[Joker]:** No one can kill me!

 

 **[Skipper]** signed in.

 

 **[Skipper]:** I could... After all you fractured your thumb on EDIs mute button.

 **[Liara]:** He did what?

 **[AlenKaidan]:** This I have to hear.

 **[Skipper]:** My job is done, Revenge is sweet.

 

 **[Skipper]** signed out.

 

 

 

 


	4. Ego, Insults and Insanity.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chat is once again not used for its designed purpose.

**Normandy Communication Network** Online...

 

 **[Automated Message]:** Welcome to the Normandy Communication Network. Please use responsibly.

 

 **[Joker]** signed in.

 

 **[Joker]:** So did everyone see my awesome skills back there!?! Best Pilot in the business!

 

 **[CaptAnders]** signed in.

 

 **[CaptAnders]:** Joker showing off does nothing but annoy us, and inflate your ego.

 **[Joker]:** Hey! At least I’m not saying something stupid like... ‘I made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs’.

 

 **[Liara]** signed in.

 **[Skipper]** signed in.

**[Liara]:** Kessel Run? Also isn’t a parsec a unit of distance?

 **[Skipper]:** Joker referencing old earth Sci-Fi won’t get you far when half of the people in this chat are non Human.

 **[Joker]:** Strong with the force, you are.

 **[Skipper]:** ... Seriously Joker?

 **[Liara]:** I am confused.

 **[EDI]:** Mr Moreau is referencing an old Earth motion picture series called Star Wars.

**[Ash]** signed in.

 

 **[Ash]:** Why SW? Seriously Joker! I had you pegged as a Trekker.

 **[Skipper]:** Ash, don’t start him off.

 **[Joker]:** Hey Dad? Updated the Captains Log?

 **[CaptAnders]:** Captains Log, Star Date Unknown. We are in hostile space surrounded by enemies unknown and my crew are acting like children.

 **[Joker]:** Hey the Asari should say ‘Live long and prosper’.

 **[EDI]:** Mr Moreau. I fail to see how the Asari using a quote from one called Spock or his species would benefit anyone.

 **[Joker]:** They live long and prosper. Nothing more needs to be said.

 **[Skipper]:** Joker. Only you could think that was a good idea.

 **[Joker]:** We could go further and rename all Biotics, Jedi.

 **[Skipper]:** Now he’s back on Star Wars...

 **[Joker]:** Hey the opening theme would be perfect! When the Initiative reaches Andromeda they can tell all the kids stories. A long time ago in a Galaxy Far Far Away.

 **[Skipper]:** Star Trek could work too.

 **[Skipper]:** These are the voyages of the starship Hyperion. To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations. To boldly go where no man has gone before.

 **[Joker]:** Ha! Awesome!

 **[EDI]:** Captain Anderson informs me that any reference to the Topics, Star Wars and Star Trek are now banned from the channel.

**[Joker]: WHAT NO FAIR!**

**[Ash]:** You brought it on yourself Joker.

 **[Joker]:** Only cause Anderson got his ********** in a twist.

 **[Joker]:** Seriously ***** ***** is blocked!

 **[Joker]:** Even with spaces! For reference it’s the **** weapon.

 **[CaptAnders]:** Joker if you don’t shut up, I will replace you with a Salarian.

 **[Joker]:** Fine...

 

 **[CaptAnders]** signed out.

 

 **[Joker]:** Come to the Dark Side we have Cookies!

 **[Skipper]:** Joker, you better not have stolen my cookies from the mess.

 **[Joker]:** Yup! Never gonna give them up.

 **[Skipper]:** Did you just...

 **[Joker]:** Never gonna let them down, never gonna run around and dessert them.

 **[Joker]:** See what I did there?

 **[Skipper]:** I guess they were wrong when they said Rick Rolling was dead.

 **[Joker]:** You’re just jealous because I have better _Joker_ skills!! ^_^

 **[Skipper]:** Well you got one thing right at least.

 **[Joker]:** That is???

 **[Skipper]:** You won’t be running anywhere.

 **[Ash]:** Shots Fired!! Joker is Down!!! Repeat JOKER IS DOWN!!! HaHa!

 

 **[AlenKaidan]** signed in.

 

**[AlenKaidan]: BURNED!!! SOMEONE CALL THE BURN UNIT!!!**

**[Joker]:**  At least I’m not on fire all the time, Sheps GINGER!! ^_^

 **[Ash]:** There’s the return!!

 

 **[Garrus]** signed in.

 **  
[AlenKaidan]:** The Ball is in Sheps court.

 **[Garrus]:** Do they do Dextro popcorn?

 **[Skipper]:** Ah the hated comment on my hair colour. But allow me to return the volley.

 **[Skipper]:** At least I STAND out Joker. Oh sorry i said STAND.

 **[Joker]:** I can stand Shep.... it’s just not for very long.

 **[Skipper]:** That’s not the only thing that’s not very long! ^_~

 **[Ash]:** OOOOOOOOOHHHH! Manhood targeted.

 **[Joker]:** Even if that’s the case (not confirming anything! Just making a point!) at least I still get more action than you! People are probably afraid you will take their souls! Ha! ^_^

 **[Skipper]:** Yup and every freckle is a trophy.

 **[Joker]:** Well in that case you can’t be that popular in bed!

 **[Ash]** : Damn... Ball back in Sheps court.

 **[Garrus]** : Still waiting on that Dextro Popcorn! JaJaJa!

 **[Skipper]** : Joker, a few words of advice.

 **[Joker]:** Those are?

 **[Skipper]:** Don’t make me mad or I’ll Ginger Snap!

 **[AlenKaidan]:** Ha! :)

 **[Ash]:** So Funny!

 **[Liara]** : I am confused how is Jane snapping a funny thing?

 **[Garrus]:** It’s a human thing Liara, they like referencing food.

 **[Skipper]:** Joker has fallen into silence.

 **[EDI]:** Mr Moreau is currently trying to restrain his laughter on the bridge.

 **[Joker]:** Shep, you win on one condition?

 **[Skipper]:** What would that be?

 **[Joker]:** You get some Ginger Snaps for everyone.

 **[Skipper]:** EDI update the logs and add Ginger Snaps to the mess inventory, Oh and to try and find a Dextro equivalent.

 **[Joker]** : **LEGEND!**

 **[Liara]** : I shall look forward to trying a Ginger Snap.

 **[SecondRatePilot]:** Hey Shep, I think Liara wants a kiss! ^_^

 **[Skipper]:** Joker...

 **[Liara]:** It is okay Shepard. Mr Moreau is still clearly adjusting to having his anatomy proportions revealed to the crew.

 **[Ash]:** Did that just happen? Joker got burned by the Doc!

 **[AlenKaidan]:** Liara just intercepted the volley! Has that won the game?

 **[Joker]:** Well let’s just say, I am feeling a little blue. ^_^

 **[EDI]** disabled posting.

 **[EDI]:** Captain Anderson has asked that the chat channel be temporarily disabled. Access will be available again in **THREE HOURS.**

 

 **[EDI]** saved chat logs to **Archive**.

 **[EDI]** logged out **[Group: All Users]**

**Maintenance Mode Activated.**

**[Automated System]** Performing Security Checks **.**

 **[Joker]** attempting user login process.

 **[Automated System]** prevented user login **[Joker]**

 **[Automated System]** started reboot timer **[02:58:27]  
**

 **Normandy Communication Network** taken Offline.


End file.
